Shit Just Got Real.

I've mentioned in a previous post years ago that dealing with one's parents mortality can be a real Debbie Downer. I didn't realize how close to home that last post would hit just a few years down the road. My mother and father are 72 and 76 respectively, that's pretty good right? Wrong, it's not nearly long enough and time seems to be slipping through my fingers like extra fine sand. My mother is becoming forgetful and easily agitated, she's nowhere near senility, please don't misunderstand- but she now frequently gets nervous on the road when she used to be a human Google Maps speed demon. I find myself having to repeat myself more and more often, and it rocks me to the core. im suddenly a needy toddler again, and she's the parent who's got it all together! Because then there's my dad. My emotionally devoid due to cultural circumstances dad. As a child I never wanted for anything, I was a daddy's little girl princess, and I still am.... I am still the round red apple of his eye, unfortunately I never really cultivated a sitcomesque father/daughter repertoire. I never had long talks with him growing up, I never made him my confidant..... he was old school Hispanic and I was a modern day Chicana. We never spoke the same language ( figuratively not literally of course). I cannot remember a time that we ever saw eye to eye on anything. He was macho, which made him protective and caring, but it also made for a childhood spent in a glass bubble. So now, when he's shuffling instead of walking with a strong gait, or getting into mysterious circumstanced fender benders, I have no idea how to reach him. How do you help a person who doesn't think there is anything wrong? This is a "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" kind of situation..... and in those nobody wins at the end of the race. They aren't helpless, they are still functioning productive members of society, but my father's deterioration is not only obvious but frightening. I brought this to my siblings attention recently and it was disastrous. I reached out for help, and while they did rally around me to stand as a united front to get our mother and my father through this.... some of their expectations were rather extreme and premature. My sister mentioned having prepared to move mom in with her and her family for sometime now, and moving my father into assisted living. That is absolutely not an option at the moment. my mother isn't going to place my father in an assisted living home, she's been married to him for 35 years. I can barely be away from my boyfriend for a few days and they want to separate a 35 year married couple. I don't negate the fact that he does need help, and on a sooner rather than later timeline too.... but it's not going to happen tomorrow. Its been a week since I started this post, and since then I've learned that my dad had an incident at the grocery store, one where he had trouble walking and was embarrassed because of it. I am obviously working against the clock here and while my siblings have stated that they stand behind me, as time goes forward I find that hard to believe. They are looking out for just my mother, in a warped take charge kind of way, I don't think they're doing it on purpose but I can't say it's going to be of any real help. I'm alone in this, it's a fact, one I need to embrace quickly.-EmiTheGreat

Its Almost Here!!!!!....... and It Came and Went.

It`s almost here!!!! It's almost time to move!!! I am t minus 3 days and counting! I have never been so excited about anything in my life! I feel like a kid waiting for a birthday party. He bought me a crockpot today, like not just any kind of crockpot, but a state of the art top of the line crockpot. It means he listens to what I say, it means he's planning and looking forward to cohabitation, it means he loves me. Right, its just a crockpot Emily, calm down....but its NOT just the fact that he bought me a kitchen appliance, its all the stuff behind it. I've been so incredibly stressed with this move and this transition that I just haven't even really been myself lately. So I started this post 3 days before the big move, and I got so caught up in the actual move that I never finished the post. I'm just going to try to summarize the hell we've gone through in the last two weeks.... here goes nothing, because believe me, any scenario I can manage to paint for you with verbal imagery has nothing on the horror that actually went down. As it is I hate moving, like with a purple raging seething passion. It's awful, stuffing your belongings in boxes you just built with minimal engineering skills and packing tape just to have to toss them into a huge industrialesque truck, so that you can transport them to a new place where you will unpack them while muttering to yourself "why did I pack this??". Not to mention that this move went on extra long for me because not only did I have to pack my crap, I also had to pack up the boyfriends apartment, he works crazy hours and he's a man. I mean he helped, kinda, but for the most part it was me digging through mound after mound after mound of stuff that I either didnt understand (cop stuff) or that I didnt care to see (ex-girlfriend stuff). The ex-girlfriend stuff I'll give him a half pass on, I know i've mentioned in past posts that he is your typical oblivious male, well intentioned but mostly completely clueless when it comes to matters of the heart. Most of the ex stuff was buried in crates in the dark recesses of his closet, and the rest was in places I know he hadn't been in since we started dating...... that still doesn't mean I enjoyed rehashing some of his happier moments with the women who came before me. Lord knows I did my best to shield him from anything ex-husband related, maybe I just love how I want to be loved and not everyone plays by that rulebook. I digress, I got him mostly packed, then I came home to Pearland and got the rest of myself packed, and waited for Move Day Saturday. Mind you I was already exhausted at this point, he arrived Thursday night, we ran around grabbing the rental truck (that took longer than it should have thanks to the idiot with the lime green stabby nails at Budget Truck Rental), then we had to go get the movers (I use that term loosely), empty my storage locker and then proceed to go get the remainder of my things from the ex husbands apartment (did I mention he explicitly asked that I not bring the boyfriend around which left me without a giant truck driver and nobody to navigte a flight of stairs with heavy pieces of furniture). Yea, he can be a real peach when he wants to be. Here enters fate, two really good friends offer their help, they know both myself and the ex pretty well so I got no guff from him about them helping..... They help drive the mega movingtruck and then help cart furniture down stairs into it. Afterwards, as a thankyou, the boyfriend and I take them out to dinner and guess what? They LOVED one another. Ha! In your face ex-husband! Like im not even exaggerating, they loved the boyfriend so much they made plans to come visit us the very next weekend. I know, I know..... it's a petty victory but hey I take em where I can get em. So we get everyone to Pearland Saturday morning and Murphy's Law inevitably kicks in. People were late, the boyfriend forgot his backpack so I had to go back, the mega mo truck was FULL so it wouldn't go faster than 70 mph.... and so on and so on and so on. We make it to Kingsville and the movers are two hours late, which is kind of ok because we were an hour and a half late. I meet new friends of Andrew's who are there to help us move because in true flaky friend fashion, all of the friends who said they were going to help flaked out. The boyfriend wasn't surprised, I wanted to be but wasn't really either. Ugh. We unload the boxes into the new apartment (which I'm insanely in love with by the way) and by this point, I am in NEED of a drink, or ten. So, a shower it is and off to dinner and the Country Luau, a dilapidated on the outside but super fun and funky on the inside watering hole in a college town. Angie, my new favorite Kingsvillian, and I proceed to imbibe a fuckton of alcohol, because its what she does and I really did need it. It was 2 dollar you call its until 11pm, don't judge me. Needless to say that I asked the boyfriend to pull over a few times on the way home..... to yark, yes I said to yark. Thank god I don't get hangovers. Sunday comes swift fast and in a hurry and we try to finish up packing what was left unpacked at his place..... which was still quite a bit, because I didnt live there with him and wasnt there to tell him how to pack..... ugh. I love him, have I mentioned I love him? becasue I do, dearly. Monday comes and its his turn, his movers are there by 10 am and that goes mostly smoothly except for the part where we find Cleo's tiny kitten shit graveyard under the highboy chest of drawers.... that was more than a little embarrassing, but I'm sure they've seen worse. Turns out she's a finisky little diva who will only go in pristine litter boxes, which the boyfriend is not known for, ask the two older cats. We somehow by the holy grace of god manage to get over to the new place and they unload. What's next? A trip to Corpus to replace some furniture.... we walk in looking for chairs and a sofa, we walk out with a whole living room AND din room set. Kelly was good, she was damned good. I'm on cloud 9 at this point, I mean yeah I love the new digs, but its like the crockpot all over again..... its what it stood for. We were adulting together! Now comes the really hard part, getting that nightmare of a clusterfuck unpacked before Thursday when the furniture was going to be delivered. This included 2 completely sleepless nights, literally sleepless, just unpacking boxes and trying to find places to put stuff..... which is how its been ever since the move. the furnoture arrived and was arranged as best as possible around the remaining boxes. The friends visied and we had a SPECTACULAR Memorial Day weekend,andd even made plans for July 4th weekend. Now its a matter of getting the last 7 or 8 boxes unpacked, the closets organized, a desk built, and starting to settle into the groove of life with him. I'm beyond exhausted at this point, and I'm not even done yet, I need rest which won't be readily available any time soon. It's an adjustment for both of us, more so for him than for me, I think I was completely ready to share a space with him, Im completely ready for more than that, and he's used to his solitude, I don't know if he'll ever ready for more, he says he wants it one day, but maybe living with me won't be all it's cracked up to be, and he'll reconsider that. Who knows.....my current focus is keeping the man in my life happy, which is proving more challenging that expected. In his words, "I'm here for at least a year", I suppose I have that long to make this work. This move has really tested us, its put a strain on our finances, our friendship, and our sex life, if we can get through this, I'm hoping we can get through anything but alas, only time will tell.

Whoever Said Divorce Was Easy Was a Dirty Liar.

I spent 16 years of my life with a man that wasn't meant for me. I tried to make it work, I made myself incredibly miserable in the process, mostly because I expended SO much of my energy trying to force a square wheel to roll. He isn't a terrible man, I mean he's done some pretty ugly things at times and he's a habitual liar, but nobody's perfect right? He stuck next to me during the ovarian cancer and he was there all through the aftermath, when I felt like nobody would ever want me again and I was at my lowest. To this day I cannot bring myself to think about those dark times without cringing internally, I would have never thought myself capable of going to such a dark place. He stayed through it though, through the mood swings and the depression, he didn't exactly help me get past it, but at least I wasn't alone in the misery, after all, it loves company right? So now that the official divorce is 30 days from being final, and I'm 6 days from moving to a new city 3 1/2 hours away, I find myself really reflecting on all the things I could have done differently, how I should have walked away sooner, how I could have spared myself a fuck ton of heartache. I'm well aware that you can't change the past and dwelling on it is as useful as washing a bar of soap.... unfortunately thats one of the million things that has really been plaguing me lately. Divorce is painful, even in the worst of marriages, I spent my formative years becoming an adult with him. He taught me a whole sleu of lessons, both good and bad about love, humanity, friendship, and patience. Currently, we have a tolerable relationship, I miss some of our conversations occassionally but I also realize that a good marriage can't be built solely on years of good conversation. I'm moving on with a man that gives me hope that there is an amazing marriage in store for me someday and hope is really what I run on at the end of the day. Hope for a better experience the second time around, hope for a happily ever after that I've been chasing for far too long and hope that he will also move on to a better coupling.... that last one is because as much damage as he did, I still can't bring myself to be a complete shrew.-EmiThegreat-

I'm on the Cusp and I'm Chalked Full of Updates.

Its been few months since my last entry and SO much has happened...... The holidays came and went in a blur and I find myself at the brink of a huge move. Im packing up all of my houston life up and trucking it down to Kingsville, Texas..... population 27,000. Im terrified, not about moving in with Andrew so much as not fitting in, being a square peg trying to force myself into a round hole I have only really ever gotten small tastes of what small city life is like and while I thoroughly enjoy what Ive seen thus far, a permanent position there will incredibly different. The prospect of finding a job is daunting, setting up in a whole new place is as well. Cleo the cat is a new character in my life, She's so small and helpless and funny.....I think I'm in love with a cat. Her name is Cleocatra, you can thank Andrew for that little gem.....I just refer to her as Cleo, though I did save her from catastrophes (pun intended) such as Catnip Everdeen, Catsy Kline, Fidel Catstro, Kim Jung Meow and Monica Lemeowsky. I've always said he was witty, not necessarily all the time though. I can say that this place definitely feels more like home these days than Houston does, so that's a plus right? Home is supposed to be where the heart is, and my heart is definitely here, in all his furry curmudgeonly old man glory. He's far from perfect, he's selfish, incessantly grouchy, cold, and more often than not completely oblivious.... but he's mine and my heart still flutters every time I see him so something about this must be taking me in the right direction. Houston life is also getting increasingly hard on me. I loathe my job, after 16 years in the social work industry I'm completely burnt out. The light that I once saw in the act of helping people has been totally snuffed out by people abusing the system, and the system giving more of a damn about the maximum profit capability rather than the people we set out to serve. As far as my personal life there, that's a bit of a clusterfuck. My parents and family are giving me the guilt trip to end all guilt trips about leaving. I don't think that anyone that wasn't raised in a traditionally hispanic home can quite understand the power that a latino parent can wield over their children. My mother, who I've mentioned in previous posts, definitely holds the market on the guilt trade. She is most definitely NOT happy about me moving 3 hours south, she is literally acting like I am moving to Antarctica. Not only has she spent the better part of the last two months breaking out into spontaneous fits of sobbing and incoherent mutterings about it "not being the same" and "never getting to see me again" oh and my favorite has got to be " I guess I'll get to see you whenever HE allows you to come up". Ugh, these fits from her emotionally wear me out and leave me feeling constantly drained, she has also succeeded in recruiting my Aunt and sister in on the guilting. I am getting hit with a seemingly neverending barrage of what will they do when I'm gone, who will do all the things that I take care of for them??? I feel like an ass leaving, I am overwhelmed with the guilt even, just as old age is really setting in with them, all because I decided to make a life with a man. Granted, he makes me happy, but that fact doesnt cancel out the gnawing in the pit of my stomach. I can't stop feeling like I'm failing them for selfish reasons. My friends are no real comfort in this either. I have reconnected with a few old highschool friends I lost touch with for one reason or another, and I'm faced with the "just as we're getting back in touch you're leaving!". There is the constant onslaught of sad emojis, catty remarks, and abandonment jokesnotreallyjokes from my two closest friends. Between David reminding me that people are always leaving him so why should I be any different? and Mike having decided to come clean with his feelings of love for me.....which makes the whole friendship awkward at best. I can't even bring myself to be around him at this point which is kind of tragic for me since he really has been my best friend for the past year. I can't stop kicking myself for missing it, maybe I could have prevented it, maybe if I had recognized how his feelings for me were growing maybe I could have steered it in a different direction. I suppose it's too late for could of, should have, would haves. I don't know if I'm coming or going with those two. I guess my point is that these next few weeks are going to be as close to hell as I've been since that three ring circus of a marriage I was in. Lynn (the amazing friend who let me be her housemate) has even stuck in her laments about missing me when I go, and how she will be so lonely wothout me and the girls (her daughters) have already said they're going to really hate when I go. Let's hope I make it through with as many of my wits as I can possibly hang on to and I don't lose my mind completely in the process. -EmiTheGreat-

Not So Sparkly.

Not so Sparkly.

 

So I’m feeling like the not so new toy anymore, like I’ve lost my sparkle, my shine, and with it a large chunk of his interest.  I am happier than I’ve ever been with a man, and I find myself inundated in the effort expended in making sure that his needs are met, that I look the way he likes, that I do the things that keep him happy….this includes being well versed in everything from his favorite foods to his current TV interests to the toys and trinkets I know he’d enjoy or is currently eyeballing.  I know I sound like a feminists 1950’s ad nightmare, but no one is forcing me to so these things, hell I don’t even think he expects them, I do it because keeping him content makes me happy, fulfilled, complete….whatever you want to call it.  The problem comes in when I find myself feeling like I have to try harder and harder to keep his attention, when we first started it was simple, I didn’t even really have to try.  He was completely besotted with me, I woke up to morning texts and when in his presence always had his hands somewhere on me.  Sex, even the long distance kind was a norm for us and now I feel like I’m more of a nuisance on the phone or like he gives into sex just to keep me placated. I know what you’re going to say….. couples become comfortable and some settling is to be expected….blah blah blah, but its only been 6 months, shouldn’t we still be gross and honeymoonishly pawing at one another? Queue his “you have the drive a teenage boy” comment which simultaneously enrages me and cuts me in a very sore and hidden spot deep inside.  I don’t know, maybe I should just sit down and be happy that I have a guy who genuinely loves me (which I’m sure he does) and accepts me for who I am and all the other baggage that comes along with me…. i.e. needy ex, horrific medical issues and so forth.  I mean he’s stopped dallying with shewhoshallnotbenamed for the most part, I think.  I’m not really sure because I don’t feel like I can ask without causing either a huge fight or awkward silence.  It also introduces new insecurities such as, if he’s not paying the kind of attention to me that he used to, who IS he paying that attention to?  I did that last insecurity to myself, most of our previous relationship was conducted while I was married and he was generally in a committed relationship of his own, I suppose I’m letting precedence take its toll on me.  I’m rambling, and I needed to vent, and I can’t exactly take this to any of my friends because they would attempt to take “my side” and in turn start bashing him which would then really piss me off because I am in love with the guy, I just don’t know how to fix these issues. They’re not insurmountable, I’m just currently at a real loss.  I don’t know what I have to do more, or less of….it all leaves me feeling less than.  I blame a bit of it all on the long distance factor, I’m banking on some of it fixing itself when we finally make it to sharing a space, but what if I’m counting too heavily on that?  I know he has a really screwed up schedule, because he does a job that most wouldn’t have the stomach to do, and I’m willing to put up with all of the idiosyncrasies that come along with that facet of our life together, its just the rest that I’m trying to figure out. I try to not ask too much of him, and I think I’ve gotten really good at tempering my mouth when it comes to mentioning some of the things that trigger his ire. It doesn’t help that recently a friend pointed out an ugly blatant truth to me that I had in honesty failed to see until then.  I’ve given this man access to every part of me, I’ve opened myself up to him so completely and in such a manner that I’ve also given him the ability to tear me to shreds if he ever really wanted to.  This is an absolutely new sensation to me; there has always been a fair bit of myself that I keep reserved from partners, for fear of losing myself or for safe keeping.  I didn’t do that this time; I opened everything up without even realizing I did it, it felt so natural to do so and that terrifies me.  The long and short of it is that I’m madly in love with him, and at the root of it I’m afraid of losing him, not because I can’t live without him, I very much can, I would just rather not.  He makes me feel whole, like I’ve finally come home.EmiTheGreat

Doubt is the Mother of Discord

Doubt is the mother of all discord.  So finally we've reached the meat and potatoes of this relationship... we're four months in (four months this coming Saturday to be exact) and the honeymoon phase has finally waned.  He's still kind, his gaze still makes me blush, and his touch still sets my skin on fire but reality has sunken in and real life has reared it's ugly head.  We speak of our love like it has and will continue to span ages,  but how is that possible if we can't even get past things as basic as introductions?  When we are together it's amazing,  not perfect,  but amazing things rarely are.  There's passion and tenderness and a genuine desire to please one another,  it's. ..beautiful.  The time we spend in different cities,  that's the hard part.  I miss his presence,  I've become accustomed to his constant touch and the comfort I find when he holds me in his arms... but even all of that isn't enough to assuage my fears bred from his insistence on keeping our relationship a secret to some and his disregard for my very real concerns about people who have not only made hurtful comments in an attempt to shake my faith in my man but have actively lied to try and come between us, maybe not necessarily to break us apart,  but definitely in an effort to plant and breed doubt.  We agreed I would meet his parents in September,  and now his schedule may not allow it,  so it will more than likely be postponed...which may not be the worst happening because the initial pre-introduction conversation he had with his mother didn't exactly go swimmingly.  She understandably had some concerns,  we are moving at a faster pace than most new relationships,  but we've been"involved" for so many years already that its all felt like a natural progression,  though I do hope that our quick ascension into coupledom isn't a foreshadowing of how rapidly our relationship will tumble towards an end.  Even typing that breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes, and although the parental situation is disheartening,  I can deal with it.  What I've found I'm less apt to deal with is the constant shadow of the most recent ex.  As it is,  he brings up his exes constantly,  and while I realize that our past shapes who we are,  no one likes to be constantly reminded about the ones who came before you.  Even I try to keep my ex talk to a minimum,  and feel SO guilty when I end up upset over yet another dick head move he's done through out this divorce.  This most recent ex though,  he loved her,  I mean truly loved her and she broke his heart,  a few times,  and he still loved her.  I can't say much against that because truth be told,  I did the same.  She's beautiful and intelligent and his parents loved her,  with her they had hope of a long marriage with grandchildren. ..I can't bring all of those things to the table. Even his apartment, where we've spent all of our most beautiful moments is still overrun with reminders of her,  it was to be expected,  I went into it knowing what I was getting into...but with  all that said,  his contact with her since the break up had been limited,  even the idea of them having a sporadic friendship I could deal with., what I don't think I can deal with is him still being in love with her,  hung up on her, whatever you want to call it and that hadn't been a real issue until he admitted that he couldn't stomach the idea of her being in a new relationship much less inform her that he was in a new one.  I understand not wanting to hurt a person you were so intimately involved with,  but I haven't hidden him or us from my ex and if my ex at any point approached me with news of him being involved with someone new I would happily congratulate him.  After all,  everyone deserves happiness,  even a man who has shaken my confidence and trust to the core.  At the end of the day,  if he still harbors feelings for her,  what on earth is he doing with me?  I don't do well coming in second with the man I love. I spent far too many years being third or fourth with a man I liked and tolerated to make that mistake again.  Our schedules have kept us from talking through this and it's sitting on my chest like an elephant,  I'm apprehensive that he's going to break my heart and offer up a sorry-not-sorry as recompense.  I've made my entire existence temporary for him,  not because he asked me to but because I made the decision to be with him., I decided to uproot my life because he's worth it,  he's my happiness and being happy is so worth it.  I pulled up my roots and they're in a kind of limbo right now because I'm readying to set down new roots in a new place with him, and I suddenly have doubt.  I don't doubt how much he loves me,  I just wonder if he can get far enough past his ex to love me completely.  He's my sun,  moon and stars. ....I expect nothing less in return in order for this to work long term. So here I sit,  on my temporary couch,  waiting for him to wake up so maybe we can finally manage to hash this out, praying my worst fears aren't confirmed. 

The Past Will Always Haunt You

The past will always haunt you, plain and simple. You can try to outrun it, or forget it, even when you finally manage to work through it there will always be a lingering ghost of a memory. The person we are today is a product of the culmination of all of our past experiences, our past hurts, and happiness. Your past can dictate future decisions and deter you from repeating any previously committed mistakes, if you’re lucky enough to have learned from them. I say all of that to say that in the end we are all human and therefore subject to the consequences of every decision we have ever made. I find myself in a situation now where my past could possibly ruin the future I have dreamt about for so long. I am finally in a relationship where I am loved and fulfilled sexually, emotionally, and physically but I find myself petrified that I won’t have what it takes to go the distance. In my marriage love was never the issue, love we had plenty of, it was all of the other bullshit that brought us down. There was lack of intimacy, absence of romance, nonexistent personal responsibility and a reversal of roles that ruined it. We married too young and for all of the wrong reasons on top of it all, but we did love one another. Contrary to all of the sappy movies and love songs, love isn’t always enough…. Not nearly enough. What I have now is a connection like I have never known, the intimacy I have with him, and I do mean intimacy, not just sex…is unparalleled. He sees right through to the core of me, I haven’t held anything back with him and I find myself able to express my deepest desires, shed my inhibitions, and find some semblance of the self-confidence I lost so very long ago, but even with all of that I carry the fear that I won’t be able to continue to satisfy him the way he does me and inevitably he will lose interest in us and It’ll be in a repeat of my first marriage. That thought is enough to bring me to my knees. I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone, its painful and it brings out the worst insecurities in people, it dredges up fresh cuts to inflict on each other and tortures you with memories of the good times because no matter how ugly it has gotten, there will undoubtedly have been some really happy times that truthfully I’d rather forget at the moment. The worst part of it all is that I can see what I’m doing to myself and the people around me and I can’t even stop it. There isn’t a happy ending to this post, but I guess there isn’t always a happy ending to life, so its befitting. Wish me luck.- EmiTheGreat

Reality Bites….. Hard.

Reality Bites…..Hard. This is just an update, since it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted. The divorce is bumping along steadily, the ex-husband to be is being surprisingly reasonable and I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I can’t say that I’m impressed by his effort to get his life together or his initiative to find a new place yet, but I’m hoping time will prove me wrong. I can only pray that this is what he needs to finally get his butt in gear and grow up. Don’t misunderstand, this could happen tomorrow and it wouldn’t change the course of actions I’ve set into motion, I’m still very much in love with Andrew and not willing to give up the happiness I have with him…… but I think adulthood is way overdue and underrated for the ex. Speaking of Andrew, I spent the most amazing 4 days with him this last weekend. We spent time with his friends, and they’re becoming my friends. That’s a huge thing to me. I cooked for him and did the whole domestic girlfriend bit and it felt SO good, it felt right; it’s where I belong with him. We made the most passionate love I have ever experienced hands down in my entire life then fell asleep snuggled against him and I’ve never slept more soundly. He only gets better; I kick myself EVERY time I think about how I waited so long to let this happen. Unfortunately, now that I’m finally ready to make this move with him, to make him my number one priority, love, concern, my number one everything, I don’t think he’s in the same spot. He’s absolutely in love with me, of that I have no doubt, but he’s been the proverbial bachelor for most of his adult life and that’s not an easy habit to break. I, of course, am one of the MOST impatient people known to man which is a blessing and a curse. When I set my sights on something I want or something to accomplish I work quickly and I get it done. I am not good at politics or playing the game, I see the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line and therefore the most logical course of action. Sadly, that’s not always the case, sometimes politics are necessary and being impetuous can be more detrimental than helpful to the bigger picture. I KNOW this, but it doesn’t help assuage my impatience one bit. Here is this guy, who I can FINALLY call all mine, which is something I’ve longed to do for more years than I care to recant, and I’m finally out of this marriage that was suffocating me, but he lives 3 and a half hours away, so move there a.s.a.p. is my fix right? As much as I want this, especially since I was told that my current position may be in jeopardy due to budget cuts much sooner than originally expected, I don’t think he’s ready to have me fulltime. That’s ok too though, it was arrogant and selfish of me to expect him to just drop everything to make a life with me the moment I decided we should. He’s not against it, he’s just set on the original timeline of a year from now. My inner demons are going to kill this relationship if I don’t get them in check and that terrifies me. I’m so busy pushing him to where I want to be, because that’s what I do when I want something, I push it until I get it where I want it to be, but if I’m not careful, I’m going to push him right out of my life if I keep insisting on more from him. I am so crazy in love with this guy it’s paralyzing. He is everything I have ever wanted, needed, wished for. He’s not perfect, nobody is….but I’ll be damned if he isn’t perfect for me. If you’re reading this, pray I don’t fuck this up, every little bit helps right? –EmiTheGreat

Finding Love Again......Again.

Finding Love Again......Again. I know all about second, and third chances. I know Ive mentioned this amazing man that Im madly in love with more than a few times in my previous posts, now Im about to tell you about what I found waiting for me in South Texas after 3 painful years. The anticipation of waiting a month to see this man after having reconnected with him was just too much for me, so in true Emily style I jumped the gun and flew down there after just two weeks. The draw this man has on me is unexplainable, unprecedented. The entire drive down I flipped out, I cant even remember the drive down clearly, I was just so focused on getting there that everything else was just a blur. Then when I finally drove up and slid out of the truck I walked up to him and that kiss...... THAT KISS! Sweet mother of Christ that kiss. He was exactly as I remembered, he was in his uniform and I wrapped myself around him and i lost myelf in that kiss. Right from that moment we moved in sync again, the world was right and we were together. Nothing. Else. Mattered. We spent the evening in his apartment just soaking one another in..... and I spent a fair amount of time apologizing. I will forever carry the guilt of leaving him those 3 years ago. I made this man suffer because of MY insecurities and my baggage. It wasnt fair, and it wasnt right and he steadily says its all water under the bridge. Hes amazing, I know Ive said that a million times, but I can never say it enough to convey the truth behind that statement. The night is spent catching up in his arms.... it was nirvana. He continually forgives my idiocy and he loves me, unconditionally, and above all else. Who could ask for more? This man is literally everything Ive ever wanted, he is basically the manifestation of my girlhood fantasies of a husband. In all the years that we've spent with one another, nothing has ever felt awkward, love and attraction has always come easy, the whole thing has always just flowed. Hell, my parents even love him , and my dad is a curmudgeonly old man to win over. Im off on a tangeant...... The next couple of days are spent with me joining him at work, on the couch and in bed. It was bliss. I get a better understanding of what he does and if i wasnt thoroughly impressed before, I sure was now. I become aquainted with a couple of his friends and even stepping into that role with him was as easy as breathing. Now I did say before that I was done with the spin doctoring..... and while the weekend was as close to perfect as anything could be..... it wasnt ALL wine and roses. He was currently involved with a steady girlfriend (I knew what I was signing on for, he assured me that they were on the way out of one anothers lives, and how could I deny him some time to sort his affairs out when he'd stood by me so steadfastly through a marriage for so many years??) They ended things on that Saturday evening, and I sat next to him and comforted him as much as I could. It broke my heart to watch him hurt, like me he carried massive amounts of guilt over a failed relationship. You cant be with someone in that fashion and not feel real pain when its over. Youre not human if you think you can do that. My heart ached for him because this was tearing him apart, my heart ached for her because she was experiencing loss too, and my heart ached in general because all through his protests assuring me that the relationship had been over for awhile I felt responsible. I felt like I was the catalyst and the guilt sat in my stomach like a knot..... but the brave face came on because the last thing he needed right then was another reason to feel like shit. We joined his friends and for the first time in a long time we were able to be together openly and it was like nothing else.... it was beautiful. So now its Sunday and Im due home. It was heartbreak ALL over again. I dont know how he said goodbye to me all those years, his poker face is almost flawless. I mean I know Ill be back in 2 weeks, but it was too far out, I need him, I NEED him. My spirits plummeted the entire way home, I was leaving my heart behind. I could feel the hole in my chest. I spent all of those years not daring to hope for more, and now that more was in my grasp leaving him was excruciating. I make my way through the next 2 weeks and after what felt like a million years im on my way back to him for another weekend. I could not get there fast enough so of course the main highway was shutdown and I was subjected to an hour and a half detour. Of course. I have a car full of clothes and groceries, because I promised him some of my favorite dishes...... because the idea of feeding him and taking care of him makes me stupid happy. I get to his apartment and I find the key that he had made for me, theres a cupcake on it because thats a petname he uses with me. I am so touched that when I unwrap it I have to sit on the couch for a moment and cry. Im a crier, its what I do. He is and has always been so incredibly thoughtful. At this point Ive reached the conclusion (after a fair amount of prayer too no less) that this is EXACTLY where I belong. I belong with this man, in this world, and never further from him than where he can reach me. I crave everything about him, his scent, his touch, his humor. I laughed like I hadnt laughed in years. Leaving him behind had stolen my laughter. I shower and toss some goodies for him into the over, I make him what I hope will be his new favorite dessert, I play with what I absolutely consider our cats..... I set out the gifts that I brought him on his dresser (a watch that made me think of him and a masonic ring that belonged to my late uncle because nothing in this world pleased me more than the thought of giving it to him) and I sit and wait for him to get home. When he finally walks in the door my chest tightens. He walks over and gives me the kiss Ive been waiting for all day. It feels natural! Greeting him after a long day at work, having food ready for him feels phenomenal. We settle into the couch and after hes done eating I put him to bed because hes exhausted, it was everything I was dying for. Just to be there for him, with him..... ugh I cant even explain. The rest of the weekend is spent at restaurants, doing mundane errands, out socializing with his friends (who are wonderful people by the way), being shown around this town hes called home for so long or at my aunts while he impressed my family. This guy hit all of the marks is what Im saying. Of course it was too perfect and disaster inevitably had to strike. After a great day out on the town with him not only do I start my period, yup, my bag fails me again. I couldnt deal, I flipped out and my first instinct was to run. I wanted to pack my bags and jet because its always my first instinct. Instead of knee jerk reactions though, because I owed him more than that again, I talked it out with him. He was absolutely patient with me, he was tender and loving and above all rational.. He goes to grab some feminine products from the pharmacy for me then comes home and proceeds to tell me about how much he loves me and how my stupid medical issues dont matter. I want to believe him, I really do, but thats all my fears and shortcomings messing with my head. Im guessing the rest of what all of that is will come with time, after a few years I will have no recourse other than to believe him..... and a few years will be a drop in the bucket when compared to the amount of lifetime I intend to spend with him. Before I know it Sunday creeps up on us again and I put off leaving as LONG as humanly possible. Before I have to leave I do my best to memorize his scent, his face, the way he feels against the palm of my hands. I finally drive off and its like a fist to the gut all over again. I put on self torture music and I cry for about half an hour after I drove off. I am a hot ass mess. Which brings me to where Im at now. I cant see him for another 3 weeks because I have plans with friends and he refuses to allow me to alienate them for him, or I have to be in Delaware for my nieces wedding, or a number of other things that I need to do that really dont seem as important as him but I get what he means about keeping up with my social activities. As far as Im concerned the countdown is on, Im counting down to when I get to be near him again. This man makes me catch my breath! I cannot wait to see where this is going to take us. -EmiTheGreat

Delusion.

Delusion. Its such a simple word...... you can choose to live in it, be pushed into it by society or psychosis, and finally you can see past it and deal with the pain that brings. Marriage can be a delusion, mine was for more than awhile. There’s no shame in it either, as long as eventually you face it….. own it, come to terms with it and move past it. My delusion came with a bunch of guilt attached. I deluded myself into thinking that because I had invested so much time and effort into a person, that because I had finances tied to them, and that because if I left them, I’d leave them alone and incapable of caring for themselves…. Leaving was not an option… I talked myself into believing that all of those reasons were good reasons for staying in a relationship I wasn’t thrilled about. I should probably mention that as a young girl I had a lot of dreams and expectations from marriage. I specifically wanted a set list of attributes in my future life mate. He was to be intelligent, and capable… He was going to have ambition, but not so much that I would ever play second fiddle. My husband would be as social as I was and he would be driven by general good. He would also be very much a man’s man, assertive and powerful, but well aware of the fact that I was his equal. Involvement in family life would be of utmost importance. These were non-negotiable for me, at least at the time they were. I didn’t have illusions of riches or grandeur… I wanted a life of simplicity and security with a man who matched me in every way, a man who was hard where I was soft, who was realistic where I was a dreamer….. someone to complete me. I wanted a balance between us, the yin to my yang. Cheesy I know. When I married, I bypassed a lot of the things on that list. I was more of a mother to him than a wife or an equal partner. I was the stable one, and I “took care” of everything. He was significantly older than I was and I was still the responsible one. While I am aware that men generally mature a little slower than women, this was ridiculous. I was constantly tasked with the responsibility of keeping us afloat. Do you know what that kind of stress can do to a person? It’s maddening. I didn’t want children, much less to be a grown man’s entire support system. I deluded myself into thinking that his dependency was a compliment to my organizational skills. It wasn’t. It was unhealthy co-dependency….. it was toxic. I don’t even want to get into the delusions attached to our sex life…… that part alone completely eviscerated my self-confidence. Annihilated it. I was always a woman completely secure in her body, yes I am a large woman but I am GORGEOUS. After the amount of rejection I took from him I felt ugly and undesirable. I was now insecure where once I rocked it. I tricked myself into thinking that his lack of drive was tied to how I looked……. Now I realize that the issues with his sexuality are so much deeper than I ever could have fixed and have absolutely nothing to do with me or what I look like. He could probably do with some professional help over it, though he’d never go for it. It’s all non-sense and jargon as far as he’s concerned. Then after my big surgery, he blamed my colostomy for his lack sexual interest. Even though logically I KNEW it was a cop out, I knew that he’d always had drive issues…… I deluded myself into thinking that it was my fault, because he said it was and it was at least some sort of explanation beyond “ I dunno babe I don’t know why I’m not interested in sex”. I let him drag me even further into a dark hole and I went willingly, I carried those insecurities and that guilt and that shame he had instilled in me like a backpack. Even though, if this had been reversed, if he had gone through that medical nightmare, I would have just been grateful he came out alive, and that stupid bag wouldn’t make a bit of difference to me. It would have been a non-issue…… unfortunately not everyone shares my views, or so he taught me. I learned a lot from this marriage, lessons that I will carry with me always. I stayed for all of these incredibly deluded reasons. I put off loving a man who saw past my insecurities and my medical issues to foster a marriage that was killing me and everything I had always been. I gave up my dreams of having a social man with ambition and a soft spot for family with good in his heart and a powerful presence for a man who despised family, was almost disgusted by my social agenda and relied on me like a parent instead of an equal, a partner, or much less a wife. I know Ive said he wasn’t a bad man, and he truly wasn’t, he just wasn’t for me…. But Its incredibly hard to not let bitterness creep into my tone when I hash out all of the atrocities I put myself through for the weakest of reasons; its bitterness towards my decisions, because I allowed him to do all of these things to me. I went along with all of it willingly, whether out of guilt or fear of being alone…. It doesn’t matter. The point is that I went with it for far too long. Now I start my new chapter….. I begin to move past this, I take what positives I can furrow out of it and I move on and I don’t settle or delude myself about what comes next. I allow myself to love a man fully and completely who has every one of my expectations, in abundance and finally enjoy that feeling of having someone who makes me feel beautiful and whole. -EmiTheGreat